Folks, I’ve read some bad legal briefs in my time, but this one? This one belongs in a museum of incompetence. Let’s talk about Harshberger’s latest masterpiece—a brief so lacking in substance that I half expected it to end with “Just take my word for it, your honor.”
The “Final” Order That Wasn’t Final
Harshberger’s biggest flex in this brief? Repeating, over and over, that the June 2nd order was totally final. Just trust him, bro. No need to cite case law or analyze anything—because, well, why bother when you can just declare it?
The problem? IT WASN’T FINAL. In fact, the very order being appealed explicitly states it is the first final order. You read that right—the order itself acknowledges that nothing before it was final. Yet here comes Burger Boy, confidently claiming that June 2nd was final, even though the court literally wrote that it wasn’t. This is next-level delusion.
A final order is, by definition, one that settles all issues between all parties. The June 2nd order didn’t. It was more like a “to be continued” than a conclusion, yet Harshberger is out here insisting it was final just because… well, just because.
Standing? Never Heard of Her.
You know what he didn’t bother addressing? Standing. You know, the actual core issue of the appeal? The one that says you don’t just magically get to be in a case because you feel like it? The trial court granted Bruce’s petition, so that means he had standing, right?
Wrong. That’s like saying if a referee declares a touchdown in basketball, it must be correct. That’s not how rules work. But did Harshberger attempt to explain why Bruce had standing? Nope. Because, trust me, bro.
The Art of Saying Nothing
The entire brief is basically:
The trial court didn’t err.
No, really, it didn’t.
Why? Because I said so.
Trust me, bro.
That’s it. No meaningful response to 99% of the appeal. No real counterarguments. No effort to engage with legal principles. Just a guy waving his hands and hoping nobody notices he’s done zero work.
My Middle Schooler Could Do Better
Honestly, I’ve seen better argument structure from my middle schooler—and she’s never even read a legal case. But if you handed her a Notepad file and told her to write a counterargument, she’d at least try to respond to what was actually argued. Unlike Harshberger, who just pretended the hard parts didn’t exist.
What Now?
This is the kind of brief that makes judges roll their eyes. If this is the best they’ve got, the appeal is looking real promising. But hey, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe we should all just close our law books, abandon legal precedent, and embrace the new standard: “Trust me, bro.”